On Saying No

I am very proud of myself. On Wednesday night, I said no to my roommate’s mother (who also lives with us). She asked me to buy her a small bottle of wine, and I shook my head ‘no’ and said “sorry” in that tone of voice that means “this-is-kind-of-ironic-this-saying-sorry-because-I’m-really-not”. I’m proud of this fact for two reasons:

1) I said NO

and

2) I refused to be an enabler again.

For the first 18 years of my life, unknowingly or not, I was an accomplice to my father’s drinking habit. He was, is, an alcoholic, and I prided myself on finding as many empty wine bottles as I could around the house, and putting them (gently) into the recycle bin on the side of our house. I made a game out of it. And I knew, obviously, that there was something shameful about the empty glass bottles because I made sure to carefully place them into the bin so that they wouldn’t clank when I knew our neighbors were home. I was 15.

I have so many issues with alcohol and those that abuse it, and when my older roommate asked me to grab her a small bottle at the store because I was going out, I put my foot down. For once in my life. I canNOT be a part of something that is so screwed up. Her daughter hurts and gets mad every time she drinks too much. (The drinking roommate is 50 and 110 lbs…a margarita will impair her.) I feel like I’m in a warzone and don’t want to get caught, either by the drinker and how she behaves (she’s an emotional drunk, so she’ll wail, like, LITERALLY, wailing, and whine, and complain, and get mad that things aren’t going her way), or by my friend, her daughter, because she’ll come to me to escape and I feel sorry for her, but I can’t help her.

I refused to enable that to happen on Wednesday night, so I said no. And I’m proud of it. The second reason (and most important of the two) I’m patting myself on the back is for the fact that I. Said. No. I didn’t bend to someone else’s wishes because I knew it’d be easier and less uncomfortable doing what they wanted. There was an  awkward silence afterward, and I kinda just waved bye and left, but I stuck up for myself! I decided in my mind that I didn’t want to do something and I DIDN’T.

No one died, no one got hurt, no one screamed or burst into flames. The world continued turning, and I was left to fight off an residual guilt that lingered inside of me over denying someone’s request. I was raised to be a people pleaser, so when I choose to not do something for someone…that goes against everything inside of me, my very being. But I’ve had to come to realize that saying yes to every request isn’t healthy, for me or for the other person sometimes. Like the other night.

If You Were Paid $1,000,000…

…would you spend a year on a deserted island with your archenemy?

Answer: No

Reason: I’d kill ‘em. Plain and simple. Or I’d kill myself. Either way, getting paid a million bucks wouldn’t balance out the act of murder. And if I survived a year alone with my archenemy, I’d have to go to so many therapists, I’d spend it all on recovery. It would be a disaster and a half, and I’d rather not deal with it at all and stay poor.

What do you think?

(Pretty sure this is my shortest post ever!)

‘On’ Poems

On Things I’d Like To Forget:              Tanka Poem

Knuckles pressed against

Some memories don't fade over time...

Some memories don’t fade over time…

eyes heavy with memories.

Flashbacks playing; stop!

Emotions swirling nightly,

reminding me of warmth past.

 


 

On Things I’m Reliving:         Kyirelle Poem                                                                            

Your hands through my hair

My neck tilted, bare

Now, I muffle cries

Fists to soggy eyes.

 

Hands circle my waist

Lip to lip, to taste

Before broken ties,

Fists to soggy eyes.

 

My hands, holding yours

Looking to explore

Going over whys

Fists to soggy eyes.

 

Hands cupping my cheek

Tell elsewhere to seek

All that much more wise

Fists to soggy eyes.

 

 

(I’ve been beset by flashbacks lately, and the best way to move past them is to write poems describing them and the emotions I get from them, I’ve found.)

If You Were Paid $1,000,000…

…would you unwrap a fortune cookie that contains the exact date and time of your death?

Answer: Yes

Reason: Assuming the date isn’t the next day, week, or month, I would gladly find out my time of death. Think about it: I’d be able to get certain things done by the time I died, stuff usually left until the last minute because of not knowing/realizing they need to be done, and I’d be able to actually make the most of my life before my time was up. I would have peace of mind in the knowledge, not having to worry about things left undone/unsaid, and I’d have focus, direction, in my life as to what I’d try to accomplish and what I’d leave behind.

Also, the biggest reason I’d want to open that cookie and be paid a million dollars (besides the fact that HELLO! It’s a million dollars!) is that I’d know exactly how much suffering I have left and when I can look forward to leaving this world.

Plus, A MILLION DOLLARS.

Comment your choice and reason(s) below…please :)

(I heard this question asked on morning radio, and was interested in what you guys would choose)

When Fun Is No Longer FUN

It’s no longer FUN when you’re FORCED to participate…

It’s no longer FUN when you’re EXPECTED to waste valuable time and resources you DON’T have…

It’s no longer FUN when everyone wants to STOP and aren’t allowed to…

and

It’s no longer FUN when NO ONE CARES enough two days into it to put their best into the project…

Seriously, you constantly PUKE out that it’s “not mandatory participation”, yet YELL and SCREAM at us, REPRIMANDING those non-participants in front of everyone.

You say you ENCOURAGE everyone to participate, but can’t UNDERSTAND when someone bows out gracefully.

You ATTEMPT to make the so-called “fun” project EASY to do, but DEMAND we spend our own money AS WELL.

When we try to EXPLAIN ourselves, you BRUSH US ASIDE saying we’re not BEING AN EXAMPLE to our teams.

How about YOU try to create a MASTERPIECE while juggling WORK and LIFE and BILLS?

How about YOU spend $100 you DON’T have on something you DON’T CARE ABOUT?

How about YOU walk a month in MY shoes?

and

When YOU come to ME trying to get some slack…don’t complain when I DON’T CARE.

 

 

(And so ends my slam-poem-inspired-rant-post)

22 Years

Today is my birth day and I’ve officially turned 22. (I don’t celebrate birthdays, so you may comment as you wish, but “Happy Birthday” means nothing to me.)

So why am I not happy?

A couple, not a lot, but there are a few reasons:

First of which is that I wasn’t ever supposed to live through my 21st year, much less reach my 22nd.

And.

Secondly, I have bad memories attached to the number 22. I guess I shouldn’t say ‘bad’…more like, distasteful.

Lately I’ve been having trouble coming to terms with my, very living, state of being and reconciling that between my lesser-but-still-present desire to die, my joy over being able to participate in things I thought I’d miss in an early death, and my stubborn tendencies.

I fight every day with the fact that I’d rather not be here and the fact that I don’t mind living any more. There’s nothing overly awesome about living that’s keeping me here…and I think that’s what I have a problem with right now. There’s literally NOTHING keeping me here and that’s a twisted thing to think for some people when I try to explain it to them because they point out my younger siblings and my religion and blah, blah, blah…

am glad that I got to witness certain things that I’d’ve missed, but at the same time…I consciously gave those same exact things up when I chose to take the pills. So while I’m glad to witness my brother’s graduation, it’s obviously not something I would’ve stayed alive to see.

I realize that life is hard and many people have it worse than me (I HATE when people say that), but at the same time, you have to have something to live for, something in your life that’s worth doing, even if it’s just short-term…and I got nothing. At least, nothing my stubbornness will allow me to take as a legit reason…I’ll suffice with saying that I don’t want to live, but I don’t care that I’m living either.

Indifference is insufferable.

Truer words have not been spoken

Truer words have not been spoken

 

P.S. In some kind of half-assed attempt to prove to myself that there’s something real and good about living, I’m taking these next 22 days and posting on my Instagram something I’m glad I didn’t miss in death. Go ahead and check it out if you’re bored enough…you’re already reading this :P @caliwhatcaliwowcaliwhencalihow

Ribbon Awareness Days-Blue, Purple, Red, Teal

I decided to split up my ribbon awareness days into multiple posts because if I had put all the colors into one post, it would’ve taken an hour just to scroll to the bottom, forget reading it. So in order to actually be useful to someone (and because I love even numbers), I’m splitting up all the colors into posts of four until completion. How many that is, I have no idea. Have fun! P.S. I would like to point out that the causes for each colored ribbon are ordered in no particular way. The first cause that pops to mind/I find is the first one I list.

  1. Blue Ribbon

Cause #1:  Mouth Cancer Awareness

Main Names/Organizations: Blue Ribbon Appeal (UK); Oral, Neck, and Head Cancer Awareness Week (USA)

Dates: Month of November (UK), April 20th thru 26 (or the Month of April depending which US state you live in)

Links: Mouth Cancer (UK)

American Association of Oral and Maxillofacial Surgeons (USA)

 Head and Neck (USA)

Cause #2:  Child Abuse Prevention

Main Names/Organizations: Prevent Child Abuse America; Child Advocacy Services (local level); The National Alliance of Children’s Trust Funds

Dates: Month of April

Among certain groups the light-blue ribbon is worn braided around the wrist by survivors of physical/sexual abuse and/or in the memory of victims.

Links: Prevent Child Abuse America

CAS

NACTPF

Cause #3:  Bullying (general)

Main Names/Organizations: B.A.R.E.; Pacer

Dates: Month of October (USA), November 17th thru 22 (Canada holds a Bullying Awareness and Prevention Week beginning the third Sunday of every November)

Links: B.A.R.E

Pacer

Stop Bullying

Cause #4:  Human Trafficking/Sex Slavery

Dates: January 11th

Links: HTAP

Polaris

Other Causes: Water Safety, Save The Music, Polio Awareness, Teens Against Smoking, Malaria, Free Speech, Arthritis, Alopecia

  1. Purple Ribbon

Cause #1:  Gay Bullying Awareness

Main Names/Organizations: Spirit Day

Dates: October 16th

Links: GLAAD

Cause #2:  National Cancer Survivor Day

Dates: First Sunday of June

The purple ribbon is usually only worn by those who are survivors and their relatives.

Links: NCSD

Cancer.org

Cause #3:  International Overdose Awareness

In the USA it is symbolized by a purple ribbon, but elsewhere it is a silver badge/ribbon

Dates: August 31st

Links: OverdoseDay

Cause #4:  Epilepsy

Main Names/Organizations: Purple Day

Dates: March 26th, the First Thursday of November

Links: PurpleDay

EpilepsyAwarenessDay

Epilepsy Action

Cause #5:  March of Dimes

Dates: Middle of April to beginning of May depending which city you walk in

Links: March of Dimes

Other Causes: Homophobia (Spirit Day), Animal Abuse, Alzheimer’s Disease, Migraine Awareness, Pagan Pride, Lupus Awareness, Cystic Fibrosis, Pancreatic Cancer, Religious Tolerance, Homelessness

  1. Red Ribbon

Cause #1:  AIDS/HIV Awareness

Dates: March 20th (National Native), April 10th (National Youth), May 18th (HIV Vaccine Awareness Day), May 19th (National Asian & Pacific Islander)/(Hepatitis Testing Day), June 8th (Caribbean American), June 27th (National HIV Testing Day), September 18th (National HIV/AIDS and Aging), September 27th (National Gay Men), October 15th (National Latino), December 1st (World AIDS Day)

Links: AIDS.gov

World AIDS Day

Cause #2:  Substance Abuse

Main Names/Organizations: Red Ribbon Campaign

Dates: Month of October (National Substance Abuse Prevention Month), October 23rd thru 31st (Red Ribbon Week)

Links: SAMHSA

Hazelden

redribbon.org

Cause #3:  Dating Violence

Main Names/Organizations: Project Red Flag; The Red Flag Campaign

Dates: None (there isn’t a specific “observance period” because it’s ongoing)

Links: theredflagcampaign

dap

Other Causes: Software Freedom Campaign, Hemophilia, Heart Disease Awareness, High Blood Pressure, MADD, Tuberculosis, Factor XI Deficiency, Blood Cancer

  1. Teal Ribbon

Cause #1:  Fragile X Syndrome

Main Names/Organizations: The Fragile X Association of Australia (they have an orange colored ribbon there); National Fragile X Advocacy Day; National Fagile X Foundation

Dates: Month of July, July 22nd, March 4th-5th (Advocacy Day)

Links: Fragile X

Association of Australia

NFXF

Cause #2:  MRSA

Main Names/Organizations: MRSA Survivors Network

Dates: April 1st-7th (International MRSA Testing Week), June 13th (MRSA Action Day)–UK, October 2nd (World MRSA Day), October 16th-22nd (International Infection Prevention Week)

Links: MRSA 

Medline Plus

Cause #3:  Military Sexual Trauma (MST)

Main Names/Organizations: Make The Connection, Military Rape Crisis Center

Dates: Month of April, May 30th

Links: Make The Connection

VA

Military Rape Crisis Center

Cause #4:  Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Dates: October 13th-19th (International OCD Awareness Week)

Links: International OCD Foundation

OCD-UK

Other Causes: PTSD, Ovarian Cancer, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Tourette’s Syndrome, Food Allergies, Desmoid Tumors