Broke Down

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My poor Wendy

My poor Wendy

Well, my car broke down again today. My cousin June and I were at Balboa Park today and we had just begun to leave the parking lot when my car Wendy shuddered and stopped working. I called my dad and after cussing out everything under the sun, including me and June, he came over to where we were. We just got my car looked at too; it already needs both right axle boots replaced as well as the right strut. There’s also a $1,200 oil leak problem that’ll never get fixed because A) no one in my family has the money for that and B) it’s an ’89 car that has 250,000+ miles on it. I’m surprised and pleased that it’s lasted this long through 2013.

Anyways, he couldn’t figure out the exact problem and what he thinks it probably is would have to be taken care of by an actual mechanic, so it got towed back to my mom’s place and there it sits, all alone, waiting, hoping for someone to make enough money to pay for it to get towed up to our mechanic’s shop and be worked on…

Meanwhile, it was almost 3:30 and the reason I was with June was because she needed a ride to work which started at 4:50. And the reason we even tried to leave Balboa Park was so we could get Mexican food before dropping her off! But it all worked out in the end: my mom came and got us, the car was towed safely back to our house, and we dropped June off before going shopping. So some good things came out of this day. Oh! And I got a job interview scheduled for tomorrow! So I’m happy about that. But it’s all the way up in Escondido and now my mom has to drive me haha. She’s SO happy about that. *sarcasm*

-Lo

June & I

June & I

People Can Surprise You…

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…and it’s always the ones you’ve known the longest. I went to Comic-Con on Thursday and at the end of the night, apparently I pleasantly surprised my group. Before I get into the heart of the matter, let’s review some background, shall we?

I was with my younger brother Rick, my ex Fletcher, and my cousin Skye on the trip to Comic-Con this year, which was the first time I’ve really hung out with Fletcher since last year when we broke up in a smaller group where we’re forced to interact with each other for more than a couple minutes. That was interesting. Anyways, since I’m having problems finding a job right now, I don’t have a cell phone because I can’t pay for the bill OR a new phone since mine decided to take a nose-dive into brokenland. And since stupid stuff happens in threes, my body decided to start bleeding that same day too…guess who wasn’t prepared? Yup, mwah.

So around 5, Rick, Jimmy, and I are walking out of our last panel (Jimmy, his mom, and their cousin were in another group that day too) and I realize I need to go to First Aid for some, well, AID. And because I don’t have a cell phone, I never was able to meet up with them again. So for the next three hours I’m just meandering around on my own, which I don’t necessarily mind, and wondering where they all are.

Have I mentioned yet that I haven’t been able to take my meds for a week because I ran out earlier than I thought and my psychiatrist appointment (different from psychologist) to get a new prescription was Friday? Yeah, I was wandering around alone, lost, and eventually lonely, without meds in my body. Recipe for disaster…it wasn’t that bad actually, just ended up crying in a stall in the bathroom for an hour and a half going over all the reasons no one liked me and how I ended up alone and why, oh why, didn’t my attempt work like it was supposed to? –>I wasn’t being sarcastic when I said that that happening isn’t “that bad actually”…compared to previous reactions to this scenario, I was pulling a 3 on a 1-10 scale.

So after I’m done bawling somewhat silently, I walk out to closed exhibit doors and a humungous stream of people leaving. So I spend the next hour holding in more tears and going from random person to random person asking to borrow their phone so I can call my brother.  All the while my anxiety level is slowly building because I know my brother: he’s probably with Fletcher and Skye badmouthing me and complaining about my lack of phone and why couldn’t she just stay with us and of COURSE she gets lost and on and on and on.

FINALLY I get ahold of him because Mr. Smart never heard his phone ringing and find out where they are. When I get to the three of them, we silently great each other and head back to the car, them laughing and playing around tiredly and mute little me dragging behind them like a lost little puppy who may or may not be in trouble.

And here is finally the heart of the matter: when we’re all in the car again I quietly say, “I’m sorry for being late guys.” And they all respond back with ‘it’s okay’s which surprised me because I thought I was in for a lecture from Rick. But that wasn’t the surprise from a person this blog entry is about…APPARENTLY I SHOCKED all of them by apologizing and not blowing up on them.

I was right to worry about Rick complaining about me, but not in the way I had thought. He was worriedly ranting to Fletcher and Skye about how I was going to be so mad that he hadn’t picked up my phone calls and I’d blame him for me getting lost and how it’d be their faults. *blinks* Excuse me? Am I such a bitch that they were actually stressed about me blowing up at them for something that was obviously NO ONE’S fault?! I mean, yes, I’d get mad if one of them had stolen my phone and ran off with it or Rick was 5 years old and had wandered off, but THIS?! No one had control over the situation; no one is to blame, it just happened.

But I guess that surprised the group and they were all relieved. *rolls eyes* Whatever guys, I’m not that bad. I even asked Skye if I was horrible like that and she said “no, but you tend to get emotional when you’re tired” and some other things and I’m sitting there thinking, yeah, okay, but you should all know me by now. I’d NEVER blame someone for this situation…and that’s when the thesis for this blog dawned upon me. Rick and Skye have known me my whole life and Fletcher DATED me, which means he got tons more closer than those two ever have or will, and NONE of them gave me the opinion I deserved in this circumstance.

This whole thing brought back my original opinion that the only time an individual is able to change is when they step away from the environment they’re currently in. I’ve lived in one place for my entire life and the only time I get the opportunity to explore my potential is when I travel AWAY from that place and those people who’ve known me my whole life. In NH it was AMAZING to see the real me, the personality I truly had, and the way people react to my true self.

Same thing happened when I went to Utah, NM, CT, and Arizona; I felt alive and free. But as soon as I step back onto my hometown soil…BAM, I’m right back to where I started with no way out. And it’s not like I’ve tried. Oh no, believe you me, I have tried multiple times in many ways to become that Caliwow I become when I’m allowed to. But that’s just it: people who know me here don’t “allow” me; they don’t like the fact that I’m trying to change into something unfamiliar and, even if they don’t like who I am right now, it’s familiar and they KEEP me the same.

They’d rather dislike me and my actions than accept the fact that I’ve grown into a whole new person and, god forbid, they like it. So they push me back into the mold I’ve been in since birth and I find myself folding under everyone’s expectations and aversion to change because, unfortunately, that’s my base personality. So all this is part of the reason I’m moving away the first chance I get. Everything I’m doing right now is to help myself head towards that goal because I know the only chance for my freedom is to fly away from all I’ve known.

5 Confessions-July

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  1. I’m unbelievably afraid of the fact that I can’t be stable without my meds. As in
    My thoughts exactly

    My thoughts exactly

    like, I’ll probably write 15 whole blogs about this fact in the future.

  2. I wouldn’t actually mind if Rick read my diary.
  3. I realized a couple weeks ago that I’d say ‘no’ if Fletcher ever wanted to get back together. While I still love him, and always will, we don’t fit anymore.
  4. I’m proud of myself for ending my friendship with Jimmy. (Another blog coming up.)
  5. I’m concerned about my faith; I’m unsure where I stand in regards to religion and God. I believe in Him and I know my faith/religion is correct, but…where is my conviction? My motivation? My desire to do more? They’ve fled and I’m lost as how to regain them.

Time

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What is it about small increments of time that makes it easier for us to bear? (Btw, just for everyone who’s picking a fight w/ me right now in their heads about using “bear”, go to thefreedictionary and you’ll see that it’s the correct form.)

Seriously though; the AAA front desk lady says it’ll only be 10-15 mins before you’re seen next…half an hour passes by. The Applebee’s waiter apologizes for the wait and tells you that your wings will be there in 5 mins…25 go past. And yet, just because your mind accepted the 5-15 min excuse, you’re perfectly content sitting there, waiting to be called or eat.

But may the heavens tremble if the waiter actually said 25 mins will pass before you can eat your appetizer that you’ll fill up on too quickly and make you push away half your actual dinner. I fear for the safety of the AAA lady who honestly tells you your wait will take half an hour because no matter how fast things go in that type of building, the people in front of you will inevitably take way longer than they should.

What in our brains makes us remain calm when we’re told something is only going to take under 20 minutes? Are we hardwired to live for speed and efficiency and so when told the wait is 45 mins we absolutely must consider the option of another restaurant? Or is it just a product of living/being raised in a continuously moving society/city and constantly being told to get as much done in one day as you can? Is it different in China or Russia or Mexico or even Hawaii?

Personally, I try to stuff as much as I can into one day/night anywhere I go, even Paradise. So do I blame that on a busy life, training/upbringing, or my personality? Would living for 5 years in the slow, quiet backwoods change me at all? Interesting contemplation for tonight…Image

When I Was 9 Years Old

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Brianna, 9

This morning my 9 yr old sister Brianna came into my mom’s bedroom and whined about needing breakfast made for her…this sparked my memories of when I was 9/10 and reminded me once again that when I was my sister’s age, I didn’t have a mother or family or someone to make me a proper breakfast. I learned how to make Top Ramen and Macaroni & Cheese and sandwiches and, if I was lucky, cut bananas into my tasteless cereal.

I was taking care of my little brother Rick, making sure my dad didn’t burn the house down when he got drunk, and attempting to keep up with my homework that didn’t make sense at all to me, all while having to deal with the “popular group” at my Elementary School and the two girls who were royal female dogs to me. My dad was too caught up in his hurt and alcohol to do anything more than work and provide food (barely) for us three and my mother was god only knows where for my 9th year.

This is an excerpt from an entry in my diary that very first year of divorce when I was 9:

Dear Diary,

I’m sorry I haven’t kept up. It’s been a year or two since I’ve had that slumber party…I need to tell you about the divorce. Yeah, they got a divorce. Anyway, I think my dad is becoming a drunk. Why, I don’t know. He never tells me anything anymore, but I think it has to so with me & Rick. He gets mad at me & R much more & has a shorter temper with us. His breath stinks & every time I turn around he’s with another cup of wine. He doesn’t keep his promises anymore & is always on the phone. More later.

What Is Bullying?

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Bullying is the use of force or coercion to abuse or intimidate others. The behavior can be habitual and involve an imbalance of social or physical power.

So says the official definition…but what about snarky comments behind someone’s back? Jokingly said statements that hold no truth? What then shall we call them? How are they defined? Do we move down a couple steps to “rude”, “mean”, or “uncalled for”? When does bullying cross over from face-to-face confrontation into sly remarks when the person isn’t around? Just because I’m not around when you call me a whore doesn’t mean I’m not being bullied.

5 Confessions-June

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  1. I miss my therapist and I’m excited to be seeing him/having a session on July 1st.
  2. I miss my best friend…any of them.
  3. My sunburn makes me look like a lobster, so I’m wearing clothes that cover my body up.

    Nov. 30th

    Nov. 30th

  4. Number 3 makes me remember the time when I had to cover my arms for another, more sinister reason.
  5. I don’t care about so many different things, I feel like I’m a different surprise in familiar packaging.

On People I’d Like To Push Into A Shark Tank…

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WARNING: This is going to be a long post; I’m pissed.

Preferably full of these babies

Preferably full of these babies

Two nights ago I was bored and looking for something to do, so I went to one of the Websites I’m profiled on and decided to join in on a thread going for crazy random people (b/c that’s me, right?). I’ve NEVER attempted to do this; this was my first try at meeting new people on this site, ok?

So it’s going okay, I start talking to two people and they’re really funny; they’re already friends, etc..so after around possibly two hours, give or take, this other chick comes on and starts acting weird (she created the thread I guess, so she knows everyone already) and her friends are like, “what’s wrong with you?” And she vaguely alludes that something is bothering her. (Trying to get attention, anybody?) I ignore her because she sounds bi-polar and lord only knows how I DON’T need that in my life, plus I’m content with these two new people.

All of a sudden, she mentions me in one of her comments:

HER: *sigh* hi, I see you’ve met my minions and worry! You have not passed any test of whatever my friend was talking about

So I’m like, “huh?!” In my head as I read this. (Quick fact: There was a group of friends and they’re really tight, so if I was gonna be “accepted”, they each had a “test” for me to pass.) After awhile, I reply back:

ME: Please have mercy on my humble soul!! I’ve only been accepted by 2 (possibly 3) of the group…I wish to obtain your permission as well

HER: technically since I’m the main bitch of this group you haven’t earned annything. They count for me just not you, but don’t worry, I’ll give you a chance untill the group closes again soon.

In my head I kinda get miffed because, okay, I get it, she’s the founder, but I didn’t come here to join a group and I’ve already got an ‘in’ with two people, so I don’t really give a crap about whether or not she “accepts” me; it’s a free country, she can’t stop me from talking to them. (Plus, there’s more than one way to contact them on this site, so if I stop replying to the thread, I can just PM them *rolls eyes*) But okay, whatever…then she says this to her other friend that I haven’t talked to yet, but seen around:

HER: yes!!! IT IS CLOSING SOON!!! New people are annoying (no offense) I have issuses ok, suck it up!

Lil bi-polar attention whore say what!? Is she SERIOUSLY going to close a whole 70 pg thread just b/c she doesn’t like me?! What the heck got stuck up her butt??

By this time, I’ve found out from the chick who likes me that L.BP.AT. is only 15…*laughs hard* Oh this little girl has another thing coming if she thinks she can mess with me. But I try to keep my calm and patience since she IS friends with the two people I actually like.

ME: Honey, I never said I thought I’d earned anything…

HER: that better be a fucking joke

And I proceed to laugh even harder because A) Who does the baby think she’s intimidating over the Internet? and B) I’m starting to lose whatever shred of respect for her I could’ve had by her cussing at me. If you haven’t noticed yet, I don’t really swear. At all. Ever. Not really. As I’m trying to come up with a semi-peaceful response, I read this:

THE GIRL WHO LIKES ME: *soothes* she said she hasn’t said she earned anything, but she wants to earn it. Dude, she gangs up against Manuel and Danny instead of flirting with them. That was my test, and she passed with the freaking rainbow.

Manuel was the second person I was talking to and who was cool with me and Danny and I kinda’ said hi, but nothing else really. Then the L.BP.AW. says this to the other chick who I’ve only seen around:

HER: I’m sorry, I haven’t been here lately who is approved?? I know the (me) girl, she’s pissing me off, if it gets worse I’ll report her ass, sorry, I’m not in a good mood anymore, but please, fill me in on these “approved” people

By this point, I’m pissed and I’ve given up on trying to be nice. This dog needs to get put in her place.

ME: haha which part? the part where I called you Honey? or the part where I sarcastically bent to your Rule over this group? Which, by the way, I’m not objecting to…I just have problems pissing off bitchy girls ;)

Hahaha because I do have problems pissing them off…and then when I reread the reply, I got mad at myself because she made me cuss. Ugh!

HER: if that’s what you meant, I sorry. If not…….its gonna take a while *sigh*

CRAP! She posted that before I posted my snarky reply and there’s no way to delete my response. My bad…but then again, SERIOUSLY? You didn’t realize what I meant when I said I hadn’t earned anything? She MUST be blonde.

HER: you get the fuck out, reply again and I’ll report your ass

Go ahead, be my guest. This is my second profile on this website because my first one accidentally got deleted when I was trying to get rid of something else, so I have no problem making another one. Besides, I already know the user names of my two peeps, so I’ll just PM and you’ll still be the pissy drama queen. Then I read

THE GIRL WHO LIKES ME: Knowing Sal, this could be her test :P LOL the troubles new peoplehave to go through to be as cool as us..

And I’m like, “ah jeez, seriously?? ok ok, explanation time…” So I decide to be a good role model and attempt to keep the peace.

ME: I apologize, too, I shouldn’t be snarky to a girl I’ve just met. We don’t know each other and if you’re in a bad mood than I’m sorry and I hope whatever or whoever is pissing you off right now gets trapped by ravenous zombies in a burning barn full of crap. I was bullied in Middle School by a clique of girls who had the same attitude towards me and needless to say, I don’t deal with new people who treat me like they did well…I think we got off on the wrong foot.

^— All very true and partially the reason I got ticked off…not to mention, hoe don’t know me!

MANUEL: eriously, what did she do to you? Why are you being so antagonistic. You make this thread antifun sometimes you know…

I do a little happy dance because at least SOMEONE’S on my side haha

HER: -_- I’m swear I hate new people. I’m gonna leave guys let you have fun, I’m clearly messing it up.

GOOD! You’re a little bi-polar attention whore who reminds me of my first boyfriend who cheated on me! You’re the one who came in here and started a fight with the first person you found, not me. UGH! *throws hands in air* The girl who likes me says she’s never trying to interfere in another fight again, so I tell her:

ME: I don’t think it’s possible to interfere in a fight on here cuz the posts pop up too slow…I honestly wasn’t trying to pick a fight or piss her off. It just reminded me of bad memories n I had a knee-jerk reaction :/

Which is mostly half the truth haha. I wasn’t about to air my real feelings where the Queen of PMS could read.

GIRL WHOM I’VE ONLY SEEN AROUND THE THREAD: We’re very hard to get along with if you weren’t our friend from the start.

*gasp!* no, really?! *rolls eyes* As if I didn’t already get that by the tests…

ME: Ok seriously, all pissy-ness and “new ppl” aside. Do you want me to leave and never return? I was worried about (the girl I’ve seen around the thread), but I guess I should’ve cared more about you

HER: let’s switch tables for a sec, I’ll act like a bicth with a stick up her ass and you’ll act as me who was being playfully bitchy before becoming pissed and wanting to fucking kill you………………….what does that mean………….*sigh* I needed that, but do whatever, either way, don’t talk to me please

Oh for sweet heavenly high lord’s sakes girl! Go take your meds or something already and leave me alone. So basically I leave and then a little while after, everyone else leaves (yeah, she basically just chased everyone away) and I PM my two new peeps explaining crap and they apologize to me and yeah…THAT was an eventful night. And then a couple hours later, I see this pop up:

DANNY: Right well that was a boring read. (girl who doesn’t like me) you were out of line. (me) did nothing to provoke, at least not in my mind and arguing on the internet is stupid anyway, unless it is about something important, like how relevant a man crush on Joseph Morgan is. But anyway, getting sidetracked. (me) stays, thread stays open and (girl who doesn’t like me) you deal with it and actually try and get along with people. you never know, you might enjoy yourself.

And again I do a happy dance b/c I have both the boys on my side. And seriously? When did I even NEED to have a side? I didn’t go looking for a fight, I just wanted to meet new people! GAH! THIS is why I’m a loner. Everything is too complicated! Ugh. She is now officially someone I’d drink water in front of if they’re burning to death.

Morning Stolen

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Wattpad cover

Wattpad cover

All of a sudden, two arms wrap around me and hug me tight. “Ahh!” I silently scream and struggle to go away.

“Hey, hey! Calm down! It’s just me!” Now this makes a difference. I let my surprise hugger hold me tighter and then release me. I spin around to face him: Keith. We’ve liked each other for what feels like forever, but we’re not allowed to show it. This springs to my mind as I force down my desire to kiss him.

“It’s a good thing I’m alone!” I hiss as I look around for would-be spies and tattlers.

He smirks. “Why do you think I hugged you?” He lifts an eyebrow and again the urge to kiss his slightly red lips comes up. Instead, I force my eyes away from his brown hair, sparkling hazel eyes, and ruddy cheeks to the school atmosphere around me. It’s seven in the morning and, thankfully, no one is around to see our secret and forbidden rendezvous.

“How are you?” Like I needed to ask that question. He always tells me that he feels like Superman around me, so that was a really stupid question, but I had butterflies in my stomach and needed a diversion.

“I’m fine. How are you my love?” A giggle surfaces, but I only let a smile break through.

“I’m great.” Awkward silence threatens but, as always, Keith has a random topic to talk about that chases it away. This time it’s my bracelet that I’m wearing.

“Yay! You’re wearing the bracelet I bought!” I smile again, bigger this time, and nod stupidly. He went on a trip to Mexico when we first started talking and bought me a black and purple—my two colors—bracelet that had my name, Roxan, stitched into it.

“Yup.”

“You’re wearing it on the outside of your jacket. Is it too big?” I shake my head.

“Nope. If I wear it under, then no one can see it.” Understanding lights up his face.

“Oh, like this.” He pulls back the sleeve of his gray sweatshirt-jacket mix and shows me the yellow glow stick he’s been wearing since last month’s camping trip. I nod. Again the ominous silence threatens to envelope us, but then Keith starts walking back towards the front of the school’s gates. See we’re kinda’, sorta’ hiding from his mother who is still out front in her car. I take one step towards him and my phone vibrates. Who the heck is texting me at seven in the morning?! I check the I.D. and roll my eyes. Of course. My big brother Samuel. I hit the read button and quickly scan the text.

Hey, wat up??

Rolling my eyes again, I continue putting one foot in front of the other very slowly as my fingers fly over the buttons.

Nm. You??

I shove my phone in my pocket and finish walking over to Keith. I slug my backpack off my right shoulder and let it fall heavily onto the metal bench that’s part of the table we’ve staked as our own for this morning. Sighing for no reason at all and knowing he’s looking at me, I rub my shoulder as the familiar dull ache beings.

“Shoulder hurts?” Uh, no. I just like rubbing it. But that’s mean and he is only concerned, so I just mumble yes and nod. Sighing again, why can’t I stop??!, I sit myself down on the bench behind my backpack and watch Keith as he checks again to see if his mom has  left. When he turns around, the ecstatic look on his face tells me Janis is gone and we’re free for the next hour and a half until my first class starts. I control my movements rigidly as I move from the bench into his arms. Gosh, this has got to be what Paradise feels like. Our third hug ever.

We would get so much crap from our friends and our parents if we ever hugged in public, so we have to do it secretly. We can’t date because we’re too young and even though practically everyone knows we like each other, we have to be careful never to let on that our emotions run deeper then the Milky Way. He bends down, me being shorter then him, and starts to cuddle, but then I feel him straighten and he kisses the top of my head. I giggle because we were talking about kissing the day before and release him. A short hug, but better then none at all. I go back to my bench with a foolish, dazed smile on my face and he remains standing. I guess it’s a good thing, because even though there is a tiny hedge to the right of us, it’s short and he’s taller then it. So he acts as our lookout for the morning.

My phone vibrates again as we both try to think of something to talk about, so I pull it out, my hand shaking with adrenaline, excitement, and the chilly morning air.

I’m on my way to school. Aren’t you up a little early?? /:)

It’s a long standing joke with everyone that I don’t like waking up early.

I have school on tuesdays smart guy.

I look up and off into the distance feeling the silence closing in around us. Pick a topic! Anything! “I was gonna’ tell you something…darn it!”

Keith smiles and mumbles, “We always have something to tell each other.” I have no idea what he’s talking about, but I continue anyways.

“Stupid! This is retarded. I always forget! Huff!” I look down, trying to look sorrowful, but failing because I’m smiling so much. Being around him does this to me; I’m loud, crazy, always laughing too much and too hard, and constantly smiling. Oh duh! Hello! You can show him the video! I pull out my phone again and look at him.

“Do you want to see the video of you and Lucas trying to catch goldfish at camping?” He nods and comes over to me. I quickly exit out of the new text that pops up and find the video. At our last camping trip with all of our friends, my cousin Adrecka had this bag of goldfish and threw one at my brother Lucas. He got the bright idea of catching it in his mouth. One tease led to another and soon Adrecka was throwing them at both Lucas and Keith, with them competing who could catch them. I had recorded a whole minute of both of them catching flying goldfish, but the best part was when Keith had lunged forward to catch a fish and fell out of his chair.

 I find it and hit play. Holding it up, I have a perfect view of Keith as he leans down to see. Only problem is that I’m staring so I look away quickly.

“Haha! That’s funny! You got the perfect timing too, with me falling out of the chair!” He moves away again and I wonder why we can’t be next to each other, even when we’re alone. It must be because we have to be separate with other people around; it’s hardwired into our systems. I wish we could be closer as I go to my Inbox and press the Read button to see what more wisdom Samuel has to bestow upon me.

So what r u doing at school?

I look up at Keith, not wanting him to think I’m ignoring him, and speedily type back:

Im talking with Keith :)

I already know what he’s going to say to that, but oh well! He is only in one loop; the one that knows Keith and I might have something going on together. Our older brother James is in the bigger loop: James knows that Keith and I really like each other and sneak around. When I look up at Keith this time, I finally have a topic of conversation.

“This is stupid. The weather is all gray and gloomy, but I’m really happy. And then, two weeks ago on……..,” here I’m flailing my left hand around trying to find the word, “…the eighteenth, it was all sunny and warm! The weather is not reflecting my mood!” He smiles and nods in agreement.

“Yeah, that day I was all feeling horrible and not having any fun. Haha, I wore my sunglasses so no one could see my eyes filling with tears, and it was all sunny and everyone was all happy!” My smile dies a little and I duck my head away from him guiltily.

“Yeah…” I sigh yet again. “That day was crap.” It was my fault he cried that day. It’s always my fault when he’s in pain. This time the silence stretches on, filled to the brim with tension and awkwardness and neither of us make a move to interrupt it. My mind flashes back to the eighteenth; the day we broke up.

I yank my mind back to the present before it can go any farther down memory lane; it was pointless to pick at a fresh, two-week-old scab when our ‘break up’ didn’t do any good. We still tried to meet every morning before class and he still told me he loved me and I never stopped thinking about him. I had hurt him pointlessly and I was now lying in my flea bitten bed.

Keith is pacing restlessly back and forth off to my side, still not making any effort to talk to me, so I sigh in defeat, knowing my brain is going to be useless with him next to me. I click into my Inbox again and see Samuel sent me another text.

Oh really? Wat r u tlking about? Arent u in class?

I roll my eyes at the phone.

Pft, no. My first class is at 8:30

I grin up at Keith, who has finally come to a stop, but is still deep in memories. “Samuel thinks school starts at seven for us.” I laugh quietly and soon he joins in.

“Yeah, there’s no way you’d be able to get up that early, haha.” I glare at him playfully.

“Hey! I can if I need to.” He shakes his head at me, not believing a word.

“Yeah uh huh, okay.” I stick my tongue out at him and he laughs at me again. I pout at him and fake being mad at him, burying my head in my arms on the table. “Aww, I’m sorry, I was just kidding. Come here.” He holds out his arms. “I’ll give you a hug.” I grin triumphantly inside and slowly make my way up off the bench and towards him, my heart picking up at the thought of being near him.

We hug slightly longer than before, but just as he kisses the top of my head for the third time that morning, I hear footsteps coming towards us on the other side of the hedge and hurriedly push away from Keith. He lets me go, a forlorn look passing over his face before it gets covered up with his usual, fake, happy-go-lucky façade. I always found it weird when everyone around him just thought his dorky looking faces and goofy, dumb blonde actions just stemmed from his personality or a shallow need for attention; it had been blaringly obvious from the first moment I met him that it was all a distraction for him.

Distraction from his pain and a cover-up for the unshed tears he carried around with him. Scars he had gotten before I’d ever entered his life and now new ones I’d given him unwillingly. Right as I sat myself down on the bench again, attempting a nonchalant look, my biology partner and friend Hunter pushed through one of the human-sized gaps in the leafy fence that separated us. “Hey guys! You been here long?”

I glanced down at the time on my phone so I could give an answer and was surprised to find that almost a whole hour had gone by since arriving at school; there was just a scant thirty minutes left before class started, which explained Hunter’s appearance. As we answered his questions and chitchatted, I felt my opportunity to be with Keith bleed away as he stayed to keep us company and more of my friends and classmates showed up.

But even though our time together was up, even though we were still recovering from two weeks ago, even though I felt a twinge of guilt for sneaking around with him, I was still content with the knowledge that at least we had this morning together.

On Ages & Futures…

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I made a mistake yesterday. Usually when I travel places and meet new people, I purposely stay vague on my age. Mostly because I know I’ll come across older than I actually am, but also so no one can judge me. No matter how much a person presents themselves, once you know their age, your perception of them changes; most often for worse. Even if it’s just a smidgen of an adjustment, it happens, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

The newlyweds :)

The newlyweds :)

So in order to protect myself (and my image in their minds) I refrain as much as possible from sticking myself into an age category. They can guess/assume all they want, I’ll stick it out until the last possible moment…except yesterday. I met my friend’s new husband in Mass. and hung out with them (they live in N.Y. countryside) and as I was explaining some goal I have in life now, I accidentally got too specific about my age. And, as I feared, his outlook on me/my life completely flipped a 180.

Earlier we had been talking about marriage and my choice to stay single and he had been pretty blase about it. But as soon as he found out I was younger than he thought, he immediately launched into the whole “you’ve got time” and “your life is ahead of you; pursue some other things”…that whole rant people give to love-sick 15 yr olds.

Umm, dear? Weren’t we JUST discussing an hour ago how I want to stay SINGLE?! I took the end of my 2 year relationship extremely hard and am really liking not having to care about anyone else but myself right now. (Plus, I doubt I’m CAPABLE of doing that since A) Suicide & B) Disorder) So I’m pretty sure I was made to be single. Which, once I accepted it, was pretty awesome to realize haha.

Anyways, back to my point: he’s going off like I just announced plans to run off to Vegas with a week-old flame and I’m forced to sit there (we’re in a car) and take it silently because I know if I open my mouth, it’ll start an argument; one which I WILL NOT back down from. There are a handful of topics I feel extremely strong about and won’t ever be budged from my opinion of them and age is one of the forerunners. Usually in the context of relationships and experience, but sometimes in general.

Yes, it has its place: there are legal limits, safety considerations, experience details, etc…but it FLUCTUATES and is very CIRCUMSTANTIAL. Just like you wouldn’t judge a car on its year alone, you shouldn’t judge those around you on their year alone. Granted, however, there are some obvious pointers. An 80 year old car shouldn’t be abused, even if it’s been kept up. Similarly, a 10 yr old shouldn’t be making wedding plans.

But along with the obvious assumptions, you have to remember THEY. ARE. ASSUMPTIONS. A Ford truck from 1933 would be able to handle more than you’d think if it was kept up or refurbished/built. There are a lot of 10 yr olds with more skills than adults…shall I say, more SENSE than adults? I had more sense when I was 12 than some of the adults around me. (‘Why’ is a whole other matter that I’m not even going to try to post…because of who I am? What happened to my family? Circumstances I went through in school? On and on…)

Age is one of those things that gets screwed up for good people by the bad ones. A thousand bad 15 yr old eggs make everyone go ballistic on the thirty of us smart eggs. I don’t know if my friend’s husband was saying I was too young to decide to stay single forever or I was too young to go into a relationship yet. (Both of which I disagree with wholeheartedly.) And THIS is the reason I will never, EVER, give the “you’re too young”/”you have your whole life ahead of you”/”you’re not ready” speech: the only person who understands enough of the person to decide that is THEM.

And something I’ve known since I was 18 has struck me over and over every single time I’ve heard this speech (because I’ve heard it more times than I can count throughout my life): I am perfectly ready and willing and dare I say capable of becoming a wife. I know what goes into it, I know what’s expected of me, I know how to make a marriage work, how to have a successful courtship, etc…that’s why I was so devastated when my relationship ended; I thought I was eventually going to marry him. I was excited and happy with that thought, even knowing it wouldn’t be easy for a multitude of reasons.

In fact, I probably never would’ve attempted suicide. Even though my reason for my attempt had nothing to do with him, or us, or the relationship itself, ending or not, he would’ve helped keep me alive without even knowing. As I look back, he already had been helping. If I hadn’t been dating him, the attempt would have taken place years ago. Probably would’ve worked better too.

When I was with him, I was physically, mentally, and somewhat emotionally ready for our future if we had one. (I say ‘somewhat’ because with my problems, I’ll probably never be completely ready for someone.) So don’t you dare try to tell me that just because YOU weren’t ready until you were 30 means that I have to wait. My opinions and outlook on life hasn’t changed since I was 16 and I highly doubt it’s going to radically change by the time I’m 28.

Keep your lecture to yourself, newlywed.

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