On Ages & Futures…

I made a mistake yesterday. Usually when I travel places and meet new people, I purposely stay vague on my age. Mostly because I know I’ll come across older than I actually am, but also so no one can judge me. No matter how much a person presents themselves, once you know their age, your perception of them changes; most often for worse. Even if it’s just a smidgen of an adjustment, it happens, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

So in order to protect myself (and my image in their minds) I refrain as much as possible from sticking myself into an age category. They can guess/assume all they want, I’ll stick it out until the last possible moment…except yesterday. I met my friend’s new husband in Mass. and hung out with them (they live in N.Y. countryside) and as I was explaining some goal I have in life now, I accidentally got too specific about my age. And, as I feared, his outlook on me/my life completely flipped a 180.

Earlier we had been talking about marriage and my choice to stay single and he had been pretty blase about it. But as soon as he found out I was younger than he thought, he immediately launched into the whole “you’ve got time” and “your life is ahead of you; pursue some other things”…that whole rant people give to love-sick 15 yr olds.

Umm, dear? Weren’t we JUST discussing an hour ago how I want to stay SINGLE?! I took the end of my 2 year relationship extremely hard and am really liking not having to care about anyone else but myself right now. (Plus, I doubt I’m CAPABLE of doing that since A) Suicide & B) Disorder) So I’m pretty sure I was made to be single. Which, once I accepted it, was pretty awesome to realize haha.

Anyways, back to my point: he’s going off like I just announced plans to run off to Vegas with a week-old flame and I’m forced to sit there (we’re in a car) and take it silently because I know if I open my mouth, it’ll start an argument; one which I WILL NOT back down from. There are a handful of topics I feel extremely strong about and won’t ever be budged from my opinion of them and age is one of the forerunners. Usually in the context of relationships and experience, but sometimes in general.

Yes, it has its place: there are legal limits, safety considerations, experience details, etc…but it FLUCTUATES and is very CIRCUMSTANTIAL. Just like you wouldn’t judge a car on its year alone, you shouldn’t judge those around you on their year alone. Granted, however, there are some obvious pointers. An 80 year old car shouldn’t be abused, even if it’s been kept up. Similarly, a 10 yr old shouldn’t be making wedding plans.

But along with the obvious assumptions, you have to remember THEY. ARE. ASSUMPTIONS. A Ford truck from 1933 would be able to handle more than you’d think if it was kept up or refurbished/built. There are a lot of 10 yr olds with more skills than adults…shall I say, more SENSE than adults? I had more sense when I was 12 than some of the adults around me. (‘Why’ is a whole other matter that I’m not even going to try to post…because of who I am? What happened to my family? Circumstances I went through in school? On and on…)

Age is one of those things that gets screwed up for good people by the bad ones. A thousand bad 15 yr old eggs make everyone go ballistic on the thirty of us smart eggs. I don’t know if my friend’s husband was saying I was too young to decide to stay single forever or I was too young to go into a relationship yet. (Both of which I disagree with wholeheartedly.) And THIS is the reason I will never, EVER, give the “you’re too young”/”you have your whole life ahead of you”/”you’re not ready” speech: the only person who understands enough of the person to decide that is THEM.

And something I’ve known since I was 18 has struck me over and over every single time I’ve heard this speech (because I’ve heard it more times than I can count throughout my life): I am perfectly ready and willing and dare I say capable of becoming a wife. I know what goes into it, I know what’s expected of me, I know how to make a marriage work, how to have a successful courtship, etc…that’s why I was so devastated when my relationship ended; I thought I was eventually going to marry him. I was excited and happy with that thought, even knowing it wouldn’t be easy for a multitude of reasons.

In fact, I probably never would’ve attempted suicide. Even though my reason for my attempt had nothing to do with him, or us, or the relationship itself, ending or not, he would’ve helped keep me alive without even knowing. As I look back, he already had been helping. If I hadn’t been dating him, the attempt would have taken place years ago. Probably would’ve worked better too.

When I was with him, I was physically, mentally, and somewhat emotionally ready for our future if we had one. (I say ‘somewhat’ because with my problems, I’ll probably never be completely ready for someone.) So don’t you dare try to tell me that just because YOU weren’t ready until you were 30 means that I have to wait. My opinions and outlook on life hasn’t changed since I was 16 and I highly doubt it’s going to radically change by the time I’m 28.

Keep your lecture to yourself, newlywed.

On Quotes: “There is sacredness in tears.”

Washington Irving, a 19th century author, once said the above quote. The rest of it goes: “They are not the mark of weakness, but of power…they are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.” I’ve had my share of tears along the way and I’m not ashamed of it. Crying is good for you. But if it comes from something bad inside of you like a disorder or a distortion, there is need for concern. Still not a bad thing, but something you need to check up on. And on that note, I present you with:

15 STYLES OF DISTORTED THINKING:

1. Filtering: You take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. (GUILTY!)
2. Polarized Thinking: Things are black or white, good or bad. You have to be perfect or you’re a failure. There is no middle ground. (This sounds retarded to me because NOTHING is EVER one or the other, but apparently people are plagued by this type of thinking.)
3. Overgeneralization: You come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or piece of evidence. If something happens once, you expect it to happen over and over again. (GUILTY!)
4. Mind Reading: Without their saying so, you know what people are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, you are able to divine how people are feeling towards you. (GUILTY!)
5. Catastrophizing: You expect disaster. You notice or hear about a problem and start “what if’s.” What if tragedy strikes? What if it happens to you? (I am SO annoyed with these people, but I understand how this could paralyze them.)
6. Personalization: Thinking that everything people do or say is some kind of reaction to you. You also compare yourself to others, trying to determine who’s smarter, better looking, etc. (GUILTY; some of the time.)
7. Control Fallacies: If you feel externally controlled, you see yourself as helpless, a victim of fate. The fallacy of internal control has you responsible for the pain and happiness of everyone around you. (GUILTY; a little of both, but mostly the latter.)
8. Fallacy of Fairness: You feel resentful because you think that you know what’s fair but other people won’t agree with you. (GUILTY; only a little bit because when I know what’s fair and what’s not, I’m RIGHT!) 😉
9. Blaming: You hold other people responsible for your pain, or take the other tack and blame yourself for every problem or reversal. (COMPLETELY AND 100% GUILTY!)
10. Shoulds: You have a list of ironclad rules about how you and other people should act. People who break the rules anger you and you feel guilty if you violate the rules. (GUILTY; only because some of the “ironclad rules” I have are REASONABLE people.)
11. Emotional Reasoning: You believe that what you feel must be true automatically. If you feel stupid and boring, then you must be stupid and boring. (I would explain this D.T. a little differently in my case, but I guess I’m GUILTY in a minor way.)
12. Fallacy of Change: You expect that other people will change to suit you if you just pressure them or cajole them enough. You need to change people because your hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them. (This is just stupid…you can’t change anyone. At least 100% and not without them resenting you somewhat. Trust me, I’ve been there, done that. On accident.)
13. Global Labeling: You generalize one or two qualities into a negative global judgement. (Ever heard of “prejudice” people?)
14. Being Right: You are continually on trial to prove that your opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable to you and you will go to any length to demonstrate your rightness. (GUILTY; only the first part because my family is very…non-supportive? in every single action I take in life.)
15. Heaven’s Reward Fallacy: You expect all your sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if there were someone keeping score. You feel bitter when the reward doesn’t come. (I do believe that my “sacrifices”, as it were, WILL be rewarded, but that’s a WHOLE other topic. But in the way that this D.T. is described, I don’t have a problem.)

These 15 styles of Distorted Thinking are on a handout I got from my stint inside SHARP’s cognitive therapy program…call it ‘group therapy’ for short. It’s helpful, but you have to remember that they’re talking about EXTREMES here. Everyone compares themselves to others at one time or another (D.T. #6) or only looks at all the bad they’ve just been through (D.T. #1), but it’s the constantly, always, every time, never stops, thinking we’re looking for. I’m prone to the ones I’ve marked above.

Are you?