I made a mistake yesterday. Usually when I travel places and meet new people, I purposely stay vague on my age. Mostly because I know I’ll come across older than I actually am, but also so no one can judge me. No matter how much a person presents themselves, once you know their age, your perception of them changes; most often for worse. Even if it’s just a smidgen of an adjustment, it happens, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.
So in order to protect myself (and my image in their minds) I refrain as much as possible from sticking myself into an age category. They can guess/assume all they want, I’ll stick it out until the last possible moment…except yesterday. I met my friend’s new husband in Mass. and hung out with them (they live in N.Y. countryside) and as I was explaining some goal I have in life now, I accidentally got too specific about my age. And, as I feared, his outlook on me/my life completely flipped a 180.
Earlier we had been talking about marriage and my choice to stay single and he had been pretty blase about it. But as soon as he found out I was younger than he thought, he immediately launched into the whole “you’ve got time” and “your life is ahead of you; pursue some other things”…that whole rant people give to love-sick 15 yr olds.
Umm, dear? Weren’t we JUST discussing an hour ago how I want to stay SINGLE?! I took the end of my 2 year relationship extremely hard and am really liking not having to care about anyone else but myself right now. (Plus, I doubt I’m CAPABLE of doing that since A) Suicide & B) Disorder) So I’m pretty sure I was made to be single. Which, once I accepted it, was pretty awesome to realize haha.
Anyways, back to my point: he’s going off like I just announced plans to run off to Vegas with a week-old flame and I’m forced to sit there (we’re in a car) and take it silently because I know if I open my mouth, it’ll start an argument; one which I WILL NOT back down from. There are a handful of topics I feel extremely strong about and won’t ever be budged from my opinion of them and age is one of the forerunners. Usually in the context of relationships and experience, but sometimes in general.
Yes, it has its place: there are legal limits, safety considerations, experience details, etc…but it FLUCTUATES and is very CIRCUMSTANTIAL. Just like you wouldn’t judge a car on its year alone, you shouldn’t judge those around you on their year alone. Granted, however, there are some obvious pointers. An 80 year old car shouldn’t be abused, even if it’s been kept up. Similarly, a 10 yr old shouldn’t be making wedding plans.
But along with the obvious assumptions, you have to remember THEY. ARE. ASSUMPTIONS. A Ford truck from 1933 would be able to handle more than you’d think if it was kept up or refurbished/built. There are a lot of 10 yr olds with more skills than adults…shall I say, more SENSE than adults? I had more sense when I was 12 than some of the adults around me. (‘Why’ is a whole other matter that I’m not even going to try to post…because of who I am? What happened to my family? Circumstances I went through in school? On and on…)
Age is one of those things that gets screwed up for good people by the bad ones. A thousand bad 15 yr old eggs make everyone go ballistic on the thirty of us smart eggs. I don’t know if my friend’s husband was saying I was too young to decide to stay single forever or I was too young to go into a relationship yet. (Both of which I disagree with wholeheartedly.) And THIS is the reason I will never, EVER, give the “you’re too young”/”you have your whole life ahead of you”/”you’re not ready” speech: the only person who understands enough of the person to decide that is THEM.
And something I’ve known since I was 18 has struck me over and over every single time I’ve heard this speech (because I’ve heard it more times than I can count throughout my life): I am perfectly ready and willing and dare I say capable of becoming a wife. I know what goes into it, I know what’s expected of me, I know how to make a marriage work, how to have a successful courtship, etc…that’s why I was so devastated when my relationship ended; I thought I was eventually going to marry him. I was excited and happy with that thought, even knowing it wouldn’t be easy for a multitude of reasons.
In fact, I probably never would’ve attempted suicide. Even though my reason for my attempt had nothing to do with him, or us, or the relationship itself, ending or not, he would’ve helped keep me alive without even knowing. As I look back, he already had been helping. If I hadn’t been dating him, the attempt would have taken place years ago. Probably would’ve worked better too.
When I was with him, I was physically, mentally, and somewhat emotionally ready for our future if we had one. (I say ‘somewhat’ because with my problems, I’ll probably never be completely ready for someone.) So don’t you dare try to tell me that just because YOU weren’t ready until you were 30 means that I have to wait. My opinions and outlook on life hasn’t changed since I was 16 and I highly doubt it’s going to radically change by the time I’m 28.
Keep your lecture to yourself, newlywed.
Just Me 