On Ages & Futures…

I made a mistake yesterday. Usually when I travel places and meet new people, I purposely stay vague on my age. Mostly because I know I’ll come across older than I actually am, but also so no one can judge me. No matter how much a person presents themselves, once you know their age, your perception of them changes; most often for worse. Even if it’s just a smidgen of an adjustment, it happens, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

So in order to protect myself (and my image in their minds) I refrain as much as possible from sticking myself into an age category. They can guess/assume all they want, I’ll stick it out until the last possible moment…except yesterday. I met my friend’s new husband in Mass. and hung out with them (they live in N.Y. countryside) and as I was explaining some goal I have in life now, I accidentally got too specific about my age. And, as I feared, his outlook on me/my life completely flipped a 180.

Earlier we had been talking about marriage and my choice to stay single and he had been pretty blase about it. But as soon as he found out I was younger than he thought, he immediately launched into the whole “you’ve got time” and “your life is ahead of you; pursue some other things”…that whole rant people give to love-sick 15 yr olds.

Umm, dear? Weren’t we JUST discussing an hour ago how I want to stay SINGLE?! I took the end of my 2 year relationship extremely hard and am really liking not having to care about anyone else but myself right now. (Plus, I doubt I’m CAPABLE of doing that since A) Suicide & B) Disorder) So I’m pretty sure I was made to be single. Which, once I accepted it, was pretty awesome to realize haha.

Anyways, back to my point: he’s going off like I just announced plans to run off to Vegas with a week-old flame and I’m forced to sit there (we’re in a car) and take it silently because I know if I open my mouth, it’ll start an argument; one which I WILL NOT back down from. There are a handful of topics I feel extremely strong about and won’t ever be budged from my opinion of them and age is one of the forerunners. Usually in the context of relationships and experience, but sometimes in general.

Yes, it has its place: there are legal limits, safety considerations, experience details, etc…but it FLUCTUATES and is very CIRCUMSTANTIAL. Just like you wouldn’t judge a car on its year alone, you shouldn’t judge those around you on their year alone. Granted, however, there are some obvious pointers. An 80 year old car shouldn’t be abused, even if it’s been kept up. Similarly, a 10 yr old shouldn’t be making wedding plans.

But along with the obvious assumptions, you have to remember THEY. ARE. ASSUMPTIONS. A Ford truck from 1933 would be able to handle more than you’d think if it was kept up or refurbished/built. There are a lot of 10 yr olds with more skills than adults…shall I say, more SENSE than adults? I had more sense when I was 12 than some of the adults around me. (‘Why’ is a whole other matter that I’m not even going to try to post…because of who I am? What happened to my family? Circumstances I went through in school? On and on…)

Age is one of those things that gets screwed up for good people by the bad ones. A thousand bad 15 yr old eggs make everyone go ballistic on the thirty of us smart eggs. I don’t know if my friend’s husband was saying I was too young to decide to stay single forever or I was too young to go into a relationship yet. (Both of which I disagree with wholeheartedly.) And THIS is the reason I will never, EVER, give the “you’re too young”/”you have your whole life ahead of you”/”you’re not ready” speech: the only person who understands enough of the person to decide that is THEM.

And something I’ve known since I was 18 has struck me over and over every single time I’ve heard this speech (because I’ve heard it more times than I can count throughout my life): I am perfectly ready and willing and dare I say capable of becoming a wife. I know what goes into it, I know what’s expected of me, I know how to make a marriage work, how to have a successful courtship, etc…that’s why I was so devastated when my relationship ended; I thought I was eventually going to marry him. I was excited and happy with that thought, even knowing it wouldn’t be easy for a multitude of reasons.

In fact, I probably never would’ve attempted suicide. Even though my reason for my attempt had nothing to do with him, or us, or the relationship itself, ending or not, he would’ve helped keep me alive without even knowing. As I look back, he already had been helping. If I hadn’t been dating him, the attempt would have taken place years ago. Probably would’ve worked better too.

When I was with him, I was physically, mentally, and somewhat emotionally ready for our future if we had one. (I say ‘somewhat’ because with my problems, I’ll probably never be completely ready for someone.) So don’t you dare try to tell me that just because YOU weren’t ready until you were 30 means that I have to wait. My opinions and outlook on life hasn’t changed since I was 16 and I highly doubt it’s going to radically change by the time I’m 28.

Keep your lecture to yourself, newlywed.

On My Oldest Friend

When I was 8 or 9, I was introduced to two boys, brothers, who would turn out to be my oldest friends years later. We became so close, we call each other brother and sister. Their divorced mother and my divorced father almost got married too, so to say we’re like family isn’t exaggerating. Bobby is the younger one and we haven’t been close in the last 5 years, but we still see each other all the time, so it’s okay. Him, my younger brother Rick, and my cousin Skye were always together, so I hung out more with his older brother Jimmy.

He’s the type of person who is literally dark and mysterious and he will ALWAYS be there for you when you’re hurting, even if he’s not particularly close to you. He’ll never betray your confidence and probably knows a whole lot more of people than we all think. One of the best guys a girl could be around and any potential gf is going to have to pass a rigorous test by me and Skye…as it is, his current gf (Celeste) is perfect. (I take ALL the credit for that one; I introduced her to everyone :D)

Throughout our lives, he would always try to be there for me and make me open up to him and let him comfort me. He entered my life just as the divorce was happening and having lived through one already, he realized my turmoil and constantly bugged me to tell him “what’s wrong?” I think I’m the only girl who never actually did. But I do understand what makes him like that; their dad shot himself. It was all kinda hazy, but it was assumed it was because of his wife, their stepmother.

Basically Jimmy wants to fix everyone around him since he can’t fix himself and my cousin and I always tease him about that. And I completely understand where he’s coming from because I was so screwed up from the divorce and the resulting push-pull between my parents that I cared for everyone else way too much and ignored myself. I also went a lil cray-cray but that’s another post.

Anyways, Skye and I tried to look out for Jimmy after that happened and she told me one time at the beach she heard him mumble something about jumping in front of a car; typical not wanting to deal with crap anymore stuff. We got extra protective after that too. So I know that, at one time, he understood the feeling of not wanting to be here anymore. And I also know that as he got older, he totally rejected that idea/feeling and thinks anyone who commits suicide disrespects life and it shouldn’t be done, etc…

If my attempt had worked, there were only two people I regretted leaving: Jimmy and Brianna. Jimmy because his father had already left him abruptly and Brianna because she’s only 8 and needs her big sister. Well, 9 in a couple weeks, but whatever.Before my attempt however, I tried to give the ones I cared about “parting gifts”, or things that I’ve known they’ve been wanting from me for a while. So I took Brianna out more, I spent more time with Rick, tried to be there for Skye as often as my job would let me, and finally, FINALLY, began to open up to Jimmy. In fact, the day that I first tried (it took 2 attempts to actually get results…and I STILL failed. Jeez.) we were helping Skye and her family move into their new house and we ended up together in her old room just sitting on the floor alone (like losers haha) and, as usual, he was harping on me to tell him stuff, so I decided to actually tell him what was going on.

Well, TRY to anyways, because what was really going on was that I was nervous and apprehensive about what I was supposed to be doing later and I knew that that Friday was supposed to be the last day everyone saw me. It was the perfect day too because everyone I knew came together to help my aunt and uncle move, so it was a great goodbye even if the only person who knew was me. So I gave Jimmy a little taste of what he’s wanted from day one of knowing me and hemmed and hawed and said something along the lines that I felt alone and my job was irritating me or some crap like that, which was all true really. It sounds weird, but in my mind it was a nice last thing to give him.

And then I woke up in the hospital on Monday after my second attempt…C.R.A.P.

For more than one reason of course, but I knew I’d have hell to pay from him since he abhors suicide. Jimmy was the one person I was most worried about facing after I realized I was still alive. For good reason too: he told me we weren’t friends anymore. After knowing each other for 12 years, he wants nothing to do with me. Everyone I knew, even my ex-boyfriend, came to visit me in the hospital and the following psych ward, but not him. Finally, after constantly bugging Skye for news on his feelings about what I did, he came to the P.W. with my newest friend at the time: Celeste. (Apparently she was his moral support and that’s when I found out they were together.) We both talked about what happened, explaining our views about suicide in general (we’re TOTAL polar opposites) and I asked his forgiveness (like I said, the only person I genuinely felt bad about leaving) and we hugged and cried (that’s new for him; we’ve always said Jimmy doesn’t have tear ducts and if he did, he wouldn’t know how to use them, because he’s only cried like once in his life) and then he left.

For good.

I completely understand what was going through his mind and why he chose that decision, etc…but when everyone else rallied around me to give me support, the one person who always swore to me he’d be there when I needed help, turned around and walked away. Wouldn’t you stick closer to your depressed friend? But then again, I realize that out of everyone who knew me, it hit him the hardest because he’s already lost someone close to suicide…sometimes I hate how reasonable I am.

One thing is for sure though: just because I know where he’s coming from doesn’t mean I’ll let this happen again. Right before I left for N.H. he hugged me *gasp* and we’ve had two civil conversations since then; all in all he’s showing a general sense of forgiveness and maybe even wanting to start our friendship over. And even though I’ll always love and care for my older brother, I can’t let that happen. If I’m going to live and deal with this crappy world and NOT try to kill myself again (which is a complete possibility), then I won’t surround myself with people I am doubtful of. I need people who I know will support through tough times, stupid decisions, and hasty remarks, for sure. Unfortunately, that doesn’t include my oldest friend anymore.